Who am I?

Really, who am I to make statements about others?

Everyone is worried about making decisions for someone else. It’s easy to fall into the mindset that our way is the only way, when if you logically think about it, it isn’t. How easily we sink into the role of protector and delegator when it isn’t our job, not always anyway.

Aren’t we truly working on ourselves constantly until the day we die? Not that we are bad or broken, but that we should consider ourselves determined with the option of an upgrade? Computers and programs get upgrades, generally to increase functionality or maybe speed. Just because we implement changes doesn’t mean it’s because we are failures, it can mean we have enough pride in ourselves and what we have been through to get to that point, that we want to invest in our future.

Because one view is not the same as another, doesn’t make either of them wrong, I mean, it can, but, we do not know the steps the other has taken to come to that point. We might surmise that we do, but that is our ego seeping out of our pores. Nothing shows a lack of self-worth like throwing your ego out at someone else trying to make them feel badly (generally as badly as you might feel).

Pride is another emotion that can be taken to the extreme. Everyone should be proud of good (and often hard) work they have performed, no one should take pride to the point of losing contact with reality because then it turns to into arrogance. At some point in our lifetime I think we all have displayed this form of pride. I’m sure instinctively you are saying inside your own mind “Well I know *I* haven’t”. If you think I don’t have my faults, you are wrong. I’d love to pretend that I am perfect in all ways and that people perceive me as so behind a computer screen. Life doesn’t work that way, humans don’t work that way.

It sounds like I’m really bashing on humans, yet, I’m not. Recently, I myself have been hurt by them, felt disappointment by them (because of their actions and attitudes). It really isn’t any of my business on their thoughts and opinions of me. Yes, we all want people to like and accept us (okay, most, some thrive on conflict, entirely different issue) but it’s never going to happen. I can respectively declare that there are actually quite a few people that do not like me (their reasons are their business, not mine) and I’m learning how to deal with that. While in my head I’d like to think I’m the perfect friend, I can safely (and somewhat… comfortably) say that I’m not.

There are people that go far above and beyond their call of humanity. I’d be willing to bet that their day can be made simply by being recognized for a specialty of theirs, something they did (out of the ordinary) or even just someone seeing them as different instead of the normalcy most find comfort in. That part of our ego needs nurturing now and again. This shouldn’t be the concentration of our every though, or the goal of our entire day.

Maybe this is one reason I appreciate and respect my friend Robyn so much. She does not judge, she will tell me when I’m being a dolt, but she will also tell me when she sees something that others don’t. That (by no means) means that she sees a LOT in me that others don’t. Of course, there are others that I simply adore because they are so sweet or so snarky and they contribute their wonderful attributes to my selfish needs (and yes, they are selfish, I’m big enough to admit that). I can’t imagine my life without any of them. Maybe that is why it’s so hard for me to superficially “lose” someone that didn’t mean much to me. I feel that I’m technically losing out on all of the effort I put forth to that particular relationship. Instead I must concentrate on the short period of time I did know them, concentrate on the good parts and move on, it’s as simple as that.

We all have our hurdles. I take things very personally. I have done this since probably the moment that I had cognitive actions. If for one instance, someone believes in their heart that I am not hard-wired that way, well, I can’t convince you otherwise. I can explain that I cannot change it any more than I can change my nationality. I can however change how I react to situations. I am working on it. When I’m upset, I walk away, I clam up, I remove myself from the situation. I hate confrontation and reject someone who tries to control me.

I’ve been called crazy; I’ve been called a psychopath, both by people that well, their mental state and integrity is less than desirable by society, so I kind of discount them, but aren’t we all sometimes fighting those internal battles?  How else are we going to struggle to test our limits, discover our faults, and display our human nature? If I look over my entire life, I’m extremely happy. I might not have the most, be the top, or have the best, but I do have amazing things present themselves to me every day. I continually reach further, scrimp tighter, set my goals higher, and it makes me content with my decisions. I might not be your definition of anything important but there are people in my life that look up to me (my son, my grandson, my mother) and know that everything I do is to better myself and help others.

I refuse to use others for my personal gain. I simply reject the idea that we’re all out for ourselves (even though I see that expressed by a lot of people my age and generation), because I know that there are a lot of people out there that want exactly what I want. So I don’t have to please others, even though that little voice tells me I should. I have the power and the ability to try and do both, but discipline myself if I don’t make that accomplishment. None of us are ever going to have the exact same opinion about any one situation. That separation also defines us. However, we can all grow from experiences and we can all flourish from past hurts.