Things aren't always as they appear..

Open your mind and your eyes..

Monday, November 26, 2012

Please Advise Which is More Hypocritical

Preaching fake positivy, with love and light, or claiming to be a Healer, but gathering your "followers" to make VooDoo dolls to harm those you don't like?

She's really at it again, well her and her "circle/coven".  

Little does she know that people are on to her, and protection is being placed on those she insists on torturing with her jealousy and negative intent.

She also doesn't like that I already know what's going on. I've seen it myself.

Meanwhile in OTHER news..our light is shining through, and it feels good!!!

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Part of Moving on

If you would have talked to me say, two years ago, I would have told you that there were many aspects of my life that were much better than they had been.

There was still a lot of hurt and anger that existed, but, there were people that were trying to tell me that, show me that. They weren't trying to hurt my feelings, they were trying to get through to me. I could have sworn though that I had it handled, at that time, well, I didn't.

Someone had stolen a rug from under my feet, it just happened to be while I was standing there. Battered and bruised I was still alive, and I had friends that realized what had happened, but there were people that had once been in my life that were no longer there. Some without explanation, and some, well, they trusted someone else that fed them lies. This would be the same said person that pulled the rug from directly under my feet. How impressionable some people were.

Looking back, while I was very hurt and somewhat confused on where alliances would lie, sometimes I neglected to look directly in front of me. There were people standing there smiling and waving, a perfect indication that they were not fooled by the events that took place, a gentle reminder that they were not going anywhere, they were here to stay. Explaining what that meant to me on this blog can do some justice, but cannot sufficiently do the job. At least not in one sitting, not while the wine has loosened my tongue, my mind and opened my spirit. But I will try.

People all over the internet have been expressing what they are thankful for the last 22 days. Well, I'm thankful for those that stuck by me. They have continued to pull through in their steadfast affiliation with me. Then I look at those that broke their ties with me. While angry, I called them sheeple and Kool-aid drinkers. It's easier to throw around words when one is hurt.

However, some of them were placed in a very awkward place, not by myself, as I never told anyone that they had to defriend said person mentioned above. They were bullied and guilted (and some are still being treated this way by an almost 50 year old woman) about true friendship and how could they possibly remain my friend? Followed by more lies and more bullying. She is still doing this. She is using people, then tossing them aside. When she either doesn't need them or is afraid of them exposing the true "her", she begins the process. I don't believe that any of them cause her such anger and worry as I did, that they can be thankful for.

So, it's been two and a half years since "the big event". The longer it passes, the more I find out that her ways did not just effect me. That in itself was a very selfish determination back then. Some of those that she bullied into "choosing sides" were used and treated poorly as well. I see that part now. Why she decides to lie and control some, but not others throws a lot of us off. I guess I'm kind of sorry to those that are still being manipulated and controlled by her. Maybe they don't care, now, but will later. Just like the rest of us that "suffered her wrath" they will have to learn their lesson. Sadly.

Someone came to me the other day. She did not grovel, she did not rush to me immediately. She took her time, didn't mention names (even though I knew exactly who she was talking about) and said that she had to recently remove some people from her life. She apologized for making the choice that she did and felt badly. She mentioned that she didn't expect me to forgive her and forget. Her email was very sincere. I knew her demeanor before the "event" so I knew that she had not only thought about it but wasn't jumping the gun to run back.

Unfortunately, she had been manipulated. I had sent her a message that stated the following:

There are going to be a lot of assumptions and rumors going around. Please just know you are the sweetest person I know. L and have split ways. It wasn't pretty. Just know I am a very nice person.

At that time, she expressed that she was sorry it had ended, but then that was the last I had heard from her for a few years. That made me sad but I kind of had expected it at the time. At least until the other day. I did tell her that I had to think about things. I would be foolish if I rushed into letting her back in without thinking things over.

But I did, and I think I kind of surprised her.  I was the same person she had left, and I wasn't mean to her. I can't say that I would be that forgiving or even understanding to some of the other people that left me. Some of them left in a manner of another sort (less than adult or maturity). It wasn't so stealth like. It was rather cruelly, even under their "positivity", which by the way is and was a lie, a show.

Mickey hasn't told me of what has been done to her, only her regrets and apologies. I can respect that and her. I have allowed her back into my life. Actually, it's been fun, and the laughter has been already returned. She knows that with me she will not be made to feel inferior, if she discovers something about herself, I will encourage her, not belittle her, unlike one of the most immature "adults" with false self given titles would. She knows that she will be accepted as a talented friend, not as a threat.

You see, that is how people are coming back to me. That is how I know that in time the truth would come out. Unfortunately, 90% of the people on ParaX are frauds, have cliques and treat other people as inferior dirt. (Let me insert here, I did nothing but promote them, work hard for them and do amazing things for them and they banned me and lied about me as thanks.) They lie about what their talents and gifts are. Notice I said 90%. I know of at least three people that are genuine in their humanity and friendships.

Please be very careful in who you choose to listen to, rely on for truth, or even pledge alliances with for your livelihood. In standing up for myself I was ridiculed, shamed, lied about, thrown under the bus and stabbed in the back. Look here though, I'm still standing, tall, proud, and with many very dedicated, smart, truthful and intelligent friends. Their lies are being revealed as false, people are finding out the real me and discovering (and sharing) the fact.

I would hate to think of others going through this too. I know they are, I know they have. I'm sorry that they had to endure her lies, their deceit. It has made us stronger on the other side, regardless of the struggles in moving forward. It's also not fair for her anger and jealous for me to be taken out on others. For her to be so very self conscious about her weaknesses and lies that she must have control over everything and everyone around her surely should show her deceit, but I digress. She knows who she is in reading this. Those that follow(ed) her also know who they are, and can read this in anger and disgust or can take heed, their decision. None the less, they (and her) must move on and get a life. You see I have mine, and I haven't had to try and remember what lies I have told to which people, as I haven't told any.

I am still, and always have been open for questions from any parties willing (and brave enough) to ask (instead of assume).

A victory in only one of life's lessons, behold. I am humbled.


Thursday, November 15, 2012

(Unpublished 2-1-2011) hehehe Bitter, table for one ;)



[muh-choor-i-tee, -toor-, -tyoor-, -chur-] Show IPA
1. the state of being mature; ripeness: The fruit will reach maturity in a few days.
2. full development; perfected condition: maturity of judgment; to bring a plan to maturity.
When you assume and run, then hide, your are guilty. It is very apparent that there are persons with lack of self confidence and maturity surrounding certain communities. You have just proven your guilt in accepting someone's word or brainwashing without even asking the other person involved. 
That is fine, truly it is.  Was I hurt? oh yes. You might have won the battle.. but not the war. Amazing all the things that were done (for you), nice things, hard work, money spent, time spent, all thrown away because of ONE person (who doesn't even KNOW how to have a friendship without trying to control it).  Yes, one person, has the ability to lie and conceal, and wants to be something they are not. 
Wait, how old are you again?
Try being a mature adult for once.  IF you think something (in my writing) is about you? How about asking me first? How about talking it out? I might not be positive 100% of the time, but NO one is unless you are Mother Theresa or Ghandi, and I can promise you in a HUGE way you will NEVER be either of those amazing people.  Ever.  
By the way, love and light and positivity, does NOT include the follow actions or statements:
Be positive enough to piss people off (that's awesome.. Did mother Theresa say that first?)
Letting people do ALL things for you and still 

Where I'm at..

(Unpublished March 21, 2011)

It is like my life is a dream and all of the good things that were hiding in the shadows waiting, are all now walking up to me, presenting themselves so that I can reap happiness! *beams*

I have amazing people in my life. Now. I didn't always, took me awhile to get there, but look at them now.


Absorbing all that concerns me..

(Unpublished April 21, 2011)

I am sitting here and I'm watching my kids. They have done wonders with very little. In my "previous' life, there were people that felt they needed to judge my kids and their life, because of their personal beliefs, possibly their inability to have children of their own, or whatever reason they deemed necessary. They were also the people that spread gossip, barked their beliefs out loud then pointed their pudgy little fingers calling everyone else white trash. Those people, they don't matter.. at all.. really to anyone. IF they only knew the people laughing and pointing at them now.

Spending time here has been serene. There's been kisses and laughter, good food, fun times, and memories. I can smile and remember every ounce of my seconds here. I have learned perseverance is key in so many aspects of life. In your personal life, in your relationships, in your beliefs.. think about it. After spending precious moments with my son, daughter and grandson, I feel I can accomplish anything. Hurtful words people have (and still do) whisper behind my back, they are mere words, they are expressions of their lack of confidence, their lack of maturity and shows their infantile demeanor.

The Joys of Astral Travel

(Unpublished from April 29, 2012)

Lately, I've been traveling to this little cottage. It's not a dream, as I can smell it, feel it,  manipulate it. It's very small, and the ambiance is dark

Not Patting My Own Back.. But..

(Unpublished from May 12, 2012)

I really do feel great right now. Life is good, things are flowing. I'm happy and I'm sharing all of this with good friends, loving souls, caring family and the best dogs.

Something I noticed today

(Unpublished from June 8, 2012)

Music really does invoke memories, just like sights, smells, etc.

Where to start..

(Unpublished from June 15, 2012- it's like opening presents from last Christmas heheh)

I had an eye-opening dream last night/this morning. I'll be honest, It hit me to the very soul.

I haven't blogged in awhile

(Not published from July 8, 2012).. Wow.. Postingpolooza! :D

So it's time for me to sit down and let it all out. Since this page is about my awareness, I think I'll write about that.

Spirituality is a very personal journey. I realize that is a word that is just overused and abused, but, it is a journey. You can only go as fast as you are destined to go. Never let anyone make you feel inferior if you take longer or proceed faster than others. I've known many people that portray it as THEY are the only ones that are correct, know it all, and have all the answers. That is simply not true. Regardless of how confident they appear. You take your steps as you need, to get you to  your place of awareness.

Lately, I've been really concentrating the Healing of my knee, but I've also been doing a LOT of Healings (more so than normal). I feel it its because of all that is going on spiritually, metaphysically and the fact that people are going through issues like awakening, loneliness, negative behavior, betrayal.

It's easy to write

(Unsure why this was never published from 9/5/12) :D

A little harder when what you've written is skimmed over.

Within the last week, I've had several people come to me and finally ask me about a situation that happened in 2010. Life is not easy sometimes when you have hurts you have to work through. This society is infamous for instant gratification, if one is hurting, why not either ignore it, lie about it or make like it never happened so that you can not feel the hurt. Why do we insist on skipping over the healing process?

So, finally, I've been over it.

Is there enough room? I have a lot to "talk" about..

(For some reason, this was never "published" from back in July).. Enjoy. <3

Not sure where to begin. I know I know, from the beginning, but there really isn't a beginning, and most likely no ending in the near future as well.

I have issues, opinions, thoughts, feelings, worries, and I have a right to express them. If you are going to read this, and open your mouth to spew hate, or try and make me look like a fool, no need to reply. Those days are nearly over, including family. The world does not revolve around you so zip it.

I'm aware of people that don't like me. I can't please everyone, and that is fine by me. I love making people happy, and I love to see them smile, but I'm older than 16 so it's OK that I rub some people the wrong way. I think it's amusing that some of them "stick" around for whatever reason. Remove yourself already, it's very obvious that you want to.

So, let's see. I had a dream the other day, that I went to a Jewish funeral/wedding. Odd I know, I thought so too. For some odd reason, I dreamt that all the Jewish mothers refused to look/acknowledge/talk to their daughters and it angered me. A coworker that I never dream about was there, and she was trying to explain to me what was going on. What I didn't know is, a few hours after I dreamed about her, she broke her leg in real life. *facepalm*. I'm amused how quickly all of this is happening to me, but the irony and synchronicities are cracking me up.

So, even more so, I dreamt about the shooting in Aurora. I wasn't there but I felt and saw the chaos. I felt the terror, the darkness, the panic, worry. I don't have the answers, neither do any of you. But the way I saw it, even if someone else had a gun, there would have been no way to shoot at him. It was dark, there was screaming, and my eyes hurt from the tear gas. I'm not saying there's no need for guns, and I'm not asking to have them taken away from the general public. So, stop putting words into the mouths of those that aren't yours. Stop calling people stupid because they don't see things the way you do. Again, it's time for people to pull together, not pull apart. Stop shoving your opinions down everyone else's throat. We get it already.

While I'm writing about the shooting, I agree about the three gentlemen that protected the loves of their lives being heros, but, I think there were more heros there that day. Those that survived and were able to get their families out as well, they deserve recognition as well. Stop long enough to consider the horrors the survivors are going to endure. Activate your Empathy and let go of your ego, long enough to just... consider.

So, lately I have been having memories pop up about people, situations, places, events, you name it, I'm probably thinking about it. Here's a few some of you might understand, most won't. To me, they are glorious.

Who am I?

Really, who am I to make statements about others?

Everyone is worried about making decisions for someone else. It’s easy to fall into the mindset that our way is the only way, when if you logically think about it, it isn’t. How easily we sink into the role of protector and delegator when it isn’t our job, not always anyway.

Aren’t we truly working on ourselves constantly until the day we die? Not that we are bad or broken, but that we should consider ourselves determined with the option of an upgrade? Computers and programs get upgrades, generally to increase functionality or maybe speed. Just because we implement changes doesn’t mean it’s because we are failures, it can mean we have enough pride in ourselves and what we have been through to get to that point, that we want to invest in our future.

Because one view is not the same as another, doesn’t make either of them wrong, I mean, it can, but, we do not know the steps the other has taken to come to that point. We might surmise that we do, but that is our ego seeping out of our pores. Nothing shows a lack of self-worth like throwing your ego out at someone else trying to make them feel badly (generally as badly as you might feel).

Pride is another emotion that can be taken to the extreme. Everyone should be proud of good (and often hard) work they have performed, no one should take pride to the point of losing contact with reality because then it turns to into arrogance. At some point in our lifetime I think we all have displayed this form of pride. I’m sure instinctively you are saying inside your own mind “Well I know *I* haven’t”. If you think I don’t have my faults, you are wrong. I’d love to pretend that I am perfect in all ways and that people perceive me as so behind a computer screen. Life doesn’t work that way, humans don’t work that way.

It sounds like I’m really bashing on humans, yet, I’m not. Recently, I myself have been hurt by them, felt disappointment by them (because of their actions and attitudes). It really isn’t any of my business on their thoughts and opinions of me. Yes, we all want people to like and accept us (okay, most, some thrive on conflict, entirely different issue) but it’s never going to happen. I can respectively declare that there are actually quite a few people that do not like me (their reasons are their business, not mine) and I’m learning how to deal with that. While in my head I’d like to think I’m the perfect friend, I can safely (and somewhat… comfortably) say that I’m not.

There are people that go far above and beyond their call of humanity. I’d be willing to bet that their day can be made simply by being recognized for a specialty of theirs, something they did (out of the ordinary) or even just someone seeing them as different instead of the normalcy most find comfort in. That part of our ego needs nurturing now and again. This shouldn’t be the concentration of our every though, or the goal of our entire day.

Maybe this is one reason I appreciate and respect my friend Robyn so much. She does not judge, she will tell me when I’m being a dolt, but she will also tell me when she sees something that others don’t. That (by no means) means that she sees a LOT in me that others don’t. Of course, there are others that I simply adore because they are so sweet or so snarky and they contribute their wonderful attributes to my selfish needs (and yes, they are selfish, I’m big enough to admit that). I can’t imagine my life without any of them. Maybe that is why it’s so hard for me to superficially “lose” someone that didn’t mean much to me. I feel that I’m technically losing out on all of the effort I put forth to that particular relationship. Instead I must concentrate on the short period of time I did know them, concentrate on the good parts and move on, it’s as simple as that.

We all have our hurdles. I take things very personally. I have done this since probably the moment that I had cognitive actions. If for one instance, someone believes in their heart that I am not hard-wired that way, well, I can’t convince you otherwise. I can explain that I cannot change it any more than I can change my nationality. I can however change how I react to situations. I am working on it. When I’m upset, I walk away, I clam up, I remove myself from the situation. I hate confrontation and reject someone who tries to control me.

I’ve been called crazy; I’ve been called a psychopath, both by people that well, their mental state and integrity is less than desirable by society, so I kind of discount them, but aren’t we all sometimes fighting those internal battles?  How else are we going to struggle to test our limits, discover our faults, and display our human nature? If I look over my entire life, I’m extremely happy. I might not have the most, be the top, or have the best, but I do have amazing things present themselves to me every day. I continually reach further, scrimp tighter, set my goals higher, and it makes me content with my decisions. I might not be your definition of anything important but there are people in my life that look up to me (my son, my grandson, my mother) and know that everything I do is to better myself and help others.

I refuse to use others for my personal gain. I simply reject the idea that we’re all out for ourselves (even though I see that expressed by a lot of people my age and generation), because I know that there are a lot of people out there that want exactly what I want. So I don’t have to please others, even though that little voice tells me I should. I have the power and the ability to try and do both, but discipline myself if I don’t make that accomplishment. None of us are ever going to have the exact same opinion about any one situation. That separation also defines us. However, we can all grow from experiences and we can all flourish from past hurts.